Rules of Etiquette for Air Travel

OK - I used to fly for my old job A LOT. After logging a few miles in our nation's skies, I have learned a thing or 3 about air travel.

Allow me to share a few tidbits to those that are not so versed in the subtleties of air travel...

Please get to the airport 2 hours before your flight. I am stuck waiting in line with the TSA along with you, and yes, it sucks. But no - I really don't care if you have got 14 minutes til your plane leaves - you can't push ahead of the entire line because you failed to plan on waiting in a security checkpoint. It's pretty common sense that you're going to be screened, and your being irate only makes you look more like a threat.

Plan out your meal the night before your flight. Remember your 7th grade science? When you put a full balloon in a glass case and lower the air pressure, the gas inside that balloon will expand until it just bursts. Remember that? WELL - apply that to your diet. Do NOT go on a binge of chili and beer the night before and go on the plane thinking that it's not going to be noticed. As soon as that pressure drops, your going to feel your own ass rupture violently, and airplanes are small, confined spaces.

Hygiene, Pt 1. For the love of god, take a shower before you go to the airport. Remember what I said before: airplanes are small, confined areas, and the odor of funk, unwashed armpits, and curry do not mingle well, let alone share nicely. Wash...use deodorant...maybe a bit of cologne...which leads to:

Hygiene, Pt 2. A little cologne/perfume can make a person smell wonderful. That doesn't mean that you have to marinate in it. I don't want to be sitting in the last row of coach, next to the damn toilet, and know that you're wearing Obsession in the 1st row of business class.

Oversized Baggage. Look - not everything is going to be "carry-on", so cough up the $15, you cheap bastard. I am not going to sacrifice my limited legroom because you want to hand-carry your prize putter on the plane.

Oversized Passengers. Now, I'm a big guy. I'll be the first to admit that I will never be a jeans model. I am cool with that - at least I can fit in an airline seat with the armrests down. I don't care if you consider yourself "husky", "pleasanly plump", or a "BBW" - I am not going to sit on one ass cheek, leaning out in the aisle because you've squeezed me out of my seat like a zit. Pay for a 2nd seat, fly business class, or take f'in Greyhound.

Class Appreciation. OK - I am going to come off like an elitist here for a second, but bear with me. I like flying "Business Class" if I can. With certain airlines, it costs the same to pay for 2 checked bags as it does to: fly business class, check 2 bags for free, get a bigger seat, first on-first off, free drinks, hear less engine noise, and use of the forward lavatory ("reserving the ones in the rear of the aircraft for our coach passengers"). A "Win-Win", don't you think?
So WHY do those in coach think the forward lavatory is anything special? Look - it's CLEANER. That's the one that the crew and the 12 people in business class use. THAT'S IT. But to me, that's important!
The flight I had the other day, this woman kept walking up from mid-plane, pushing back the business class curtain, and used the forward lavatory 5 times in a 2 hour flight. She had open sores on her legs and arms. She spattered feces on the toilet. They had to close it off. The Captain had to use the damn rear lavatory - always a fun thing - to have your flight crew at the wrong end of the plane. This beastly woman went for round SIX, but was told that we were landing soon (a white lie on the crew's part) and she'd just have to wait til we got to the airport.
Look -I've waited for a rear lav when I fly coach... be nice and let those that paid for the convenience enjoy it. You want it...cough up the extra bucks.

Packing Properly. Why...oh Lord, WHY - would one carry a loose bowling ball on an airplane AND THEN try to stow it in the overheads? We flew thru the beginnings of a Tropical Storm... and that 12 pound urethane cannonball was slamming around in the back - I was waiting for it to explode out and obliterate some poor passenger's skull. I may know First Aid - but even I can't put Humpty Dumpty's crushed eggshell back together again.

Gender/Racial Neutrality. I don't care what (fill in ethnic origin) or (fill in gender) you are. I am ticketed for this seat, I chose this seat (I personally prefer the aisle), and I kinda like this seat. But know that your race/gender does not entitle you any special treatment or for me to give up my seat. You're wearing a burqa and staring at me with hate in your eyes because I won't move to the middle seat? You dare "shoosh" your hands at me? Look, sister - you're going to get attitude right back at you. You're the same as you or me, and we're both in this plane. Deal with it. You don't like it? Go sit on the wing.

Now let's all sit back and enjoy our flight...