My Daughter's Wedding?!?

So - Casey & I were talking during my evening commute - her boyfriend decided to ask her to go to church with him.

Now - Casey grew up with her mom, so that was never an option on the table (her mother being Wiccan and all)... making her comment that she was afraid the roof would cave in on her.

Being the supportive chap I am, I sweetly say, "As long as you two don't decide to walk down the aisle..."

Of course, she decides to pull an Erin and drop something on me out of left field...

"Well, what if we did?"

Fuck... I almost rear-end a cement truck at that...

Well - so we started discussing her future nuptuials... and who'd be there.

Yes, I get to give her away....but it's the REST of the party that stunned me.

See - many of my friends have taken a liking to my oldest...she's like that "Furby" you always wanted back in 1993 but your mother wouldn't get because it would talk too much and generally annoy the living crap outta you...

...yup - that's Casey.

So - we went over the invite and party list...and this is what she told me she wanted.

Matron of Honor: Kathryn Buchanan. I've known Kathryn for 25 years - she is my best friend, and absolutely adores Casey. OK...good choice.

Bride's Party: Jess, Maria, Mel, and Shannon. Half will be in bright pink, and the other in studded leather (and let's not stop at the tattoos and piercings...no metal detectors, please!).

Groom's Party: Up to Andrew (or as I call him, Jethro) - but I see Casey's brother Doug being in it.

Flower Girls - Yeah - gotta get her sisters up there...but putting Kayleigh in pink would need an act of congress.

Ring Bearer: Bubba - as long as he doesn't decide to eat it.

Playing the "Wedding March": Jim Brady - on electric guitar... (bonus - Casey's Mother can't stand him)

Chief Usher: Robbie Nelson (my brother-by-another-mother) - clad in jacket & tie, board shorts and slaps.

Door Security: SSgt J Gary Dunlop & GySgt Pete Triolo

And of course - the guests...

(This sounds either like a "Who's Who of my life, or a meeting of the Irish Mob, but Casey chose all this)

Susan "Gidget" Apisdorf
Cathy Whiddon
Maggy McCarthy
Tara O'Sullivan (although she's up for a spot on the Bride's Party)
Alfredo Rivas (mourning his loss)
Mike Daleiden (Making commentary of, "I knew her when...")
A bunch of her minions from New Jersey
Andrew's Family (duh)

...oh yeah - her mother & her boyfriend Bill are invited too, but they'll be seated in the back of the church, next to the "crying room" and the holy water...

**IT BURNS....IT BURNS...**


Somehow - I see this happening...

Some reasons why the English language is hard to learn...

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Note to Self...

DO NOT drink 3 double-sized "Red Bulls" for breakfast, and shotgun 2 "Monsters" on the drive home...

...it WILL make you want to sing karaoke like drunken samurai...

Making sense with a pre-teen...

Kayleigh comes up to me while I'm getting dressed for work:

"Daddy, my foot itches!"

Crap - 6am, I'm standing there in my BVD's (trying to get my pants on), and she's got the whining tone going... this is not going to bode well for the start of my day.

"So," I say with my most paternal voice, "scratch it!"

"BUT DAD! THEN IT ITCHES MOOOORRREEEEE!"

*ugh*

"Ok...then DON'T scratch it...?"

She lets out an audible sigh and adds an octave to the whine...

"But it ITCHES!"

...really...?

"So...SCRATCH IT!"

"DAAAADDDDDDDDD!!!!"

I just glare at her...too early and trying to get my boots on here...

"GO SCRATCH IT. OR DON'T SCRATCH IT. EITHER WAY - IT'LL STOP AFTER A WHILE!"


Kay walked away whimpering...

(I swear - if she goes up a few more octaves, she'll whine like a mosquito)

...and I finally got to put my pants on.



Yup...it's Monday morning in my house...

The $50 Lesson...

I recently asked my neighbors' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride.

"Wow...... what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that! You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."




...yeah, her parents still aren't speaking to me...

The Conservative American Divorce Agreement

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem." I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Yah" or "We Are the World"
We'll practice trickledown economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
James B McCrystal, Sr.

P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.

P. S. S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

FedEx - I quit. My Resignation Letter

My resignation letter... what do you think?


**************************************


Sir:

On Saturday, you made a rather insulting comment about myself and the other drivers in your employ having “a lack of integrity” for not reporting alleged damage to the vehicles that – quite simply - we knew nothing about.

You continued on, stating that we were accountable for the trucks when we’re not always with them (ie: parked in a loading dock and making a delivery in an office complex) which is thrusting an unreasonable liability on your employees.

Sir – I take pride in my having personal integrity and - coming from a law enforcement background, hold myself to a higher standard than most others would.

I have faithfully come to work every day and worked very hard to prove my merit and my work ethic to you, only to have you insult me so.

• Whenever there was any issue with the trucks, the 1^st person I notified was you.
• When it came to working late to get the job done, I gladly did so
• When it came to helping other drivers out, I gladly stepped up to do so.
• Furthermore, my employment contract expired over a month ago, and you have yet to discuss or attempt to renegotiate it with me.
  

And you question my integrity? You have the gall to question my work ethic?

Sir - I can’t speak for my coworkers, but I have personal and professional integrity. I take pride in my work - but I also have honor… and that, you have thoroughly insulted.

Therefore, I see no further reason to continue our professional relationship. I hereby resign, effective immediately.

...and you thought the Superbowl commercials were funny?

So - Bree starts yelling...


"DAAAAAAADDDDDD!!! BUBBA'S IN THE BATHROOM WITH ME!"

"...and...?"

"HE'S TRYING TO PINCH MY BUTT AND MY 'COOTCHIE' WHILE I'M TRYING TO PEE!"



*sigh*



"BUBBA! GET OUT OF THERE! THIS ISN'T AMSTERDAM!"



I need to write a blog about thi...oh, never mind...

Abbott & Costello on the US Unemployment rate

I claim NO credit for this (unfortunately - but my hat goes off to my friend and former police academy cohort Robyn (Langford) Schaible for sending me this...

*********************************************************************

Abbott and Costello made famous a comedy routine called "Who's on First?".

(It's still out there on YouTube if you care to watch it again)

This is a 21st Century version of that routine. I hope you enjoy it.

********************************************************************

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% are collecting Unemployment benefits.

COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% collecting unemployment benefits.

ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are collecting unemployment benefits. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work and be paid for it to be counted as the unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't get paid to look for work can't be counted with those who are paid to look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To who?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY'RE ALL UNEMPLOYED!!!

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are getting paid to look for work... Those who are out of work and are not being paid are just "out of work." They used up all of their benefits, and if you don't have unemployment benefits, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't get paid to look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop paying benefits to those who are looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop paying benefits?

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a politician.

COSTELLO: But didn't the politicians extend the unemployment benefits for people looking for work?

ABBOTT: Yes, but they only extended them until we got to a presidential election year. Then they drop off big time.

COSTELLO: Why would they do that?

ABBOTT: So that the party out of power could be blamed for not extending the unemployment benefits and the party in power can claim that unemployment is coming down.

COSTELLO: But that's not true in either case.

ABBOTT: It doesn't matter what's true as long as you can convince the voters.

COSTELLO: Wow, now I'm really confused.

ABBOTT: That's exactly how you win elections... Confuse the voters!

...still alive...

Been extremely busy the past week, with a lot going on.

Will rant later (and a lot to rant about...).