Where did I go wrong...?

In the course of my travels, I found myself in Greenwood, SC.

Now - WHERE is Greenwood, SC, you may ask...?

WELL - it's about 50 miles from anywhere - in the middle of nowhere. I'm 50 miles south of Greenville, SC... 50 miles north of Augusta, GA...and 50 miles west of Columbia, SC. So of course - am stuck here for the night.

Accepting my lot in life, I find a hotel (Holiday Inn Express...nice...) and look for someplace to get some dinner. GEE - there's a Japanese place next door, and it looks busy...this is a good sign.

(Um... did I say that I am in the middle of nowhere?)

So - I walk over to "Fuji Express".
Mistake #1...NEVER EAT IN A PLACE WITH THE WORD "EXPRESS" IN IT. You're just ASKING for trouble.

It's PACKED with locals..so am guessing it's gotta be acceptable. Almost every seat is packed, and the prices aren't bad.
Mistake #2: THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS INEXPENSIVE JAPANESE FOOD...

I see the menu...no sushi at all.
Mistake #3: IT'S NOT A JAPANESE PLACE IF THEY DON'T SERVE SUSHI.

So - I go up to the counter... and tried to ask a few questions about the items available.
Mistake #4: IT'S NOT JAPANESE IF THE ENTIRE STAFF IS SPEAKING SPANISH.

I place my order and go sit down - steak/shrimp/scallops with veggies and rice (not bad, I think to myself). A few locals start chatting with me, and they tell me how good the food is here...
Mistake #5: DON'T TRUST THE JUDGMENT OF ANY FORM OF ETHNIC CUISINE FROM A GROUP OF LOCALS THAT ARE OUTNUMBERED BY THEIR TEETH BY ONLY A 6-TO-1 RATIO!

Soon...the food arrives. Doesn't LOOK bad....

Then - I tasted it.

* The rice was greasy.
* The carrots were fresh...from the can - all soft and mushy (didn't even change the packing water).
* The scallops were rubbery.
* The shrimp was overdone.
* At least the steak was palatable....barely.

The final insult was that - as I walked out of this gastronomic nightmare - I see the 4-star review from the local paper framed on the wall....

Tomorrow - I will upgrade to some haute cuisine...WAFFLE HOUSE...

How to Drive in New Jersey

In case you’re planning to take a trip to my native state, please keep the following in mind:

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Nork - rhymes with Fork, not New-ark. Also, Trenton is not pronounced Tren-ton, it is Trent-in.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5 AM to NOON. The evening rush hour is from NOON to 7 PM. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the parkway it’s 105 or 110. Anything less is considered “Sissy.” (Just ask the Governor of NJ)

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second; However, in Monmouth, Ocean, and Burlington counties, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. EVER! Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the Homeless feeding on any of these items.

9. MapQuest does NOT work here — none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZPass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.

10. If someone actually has their Turn Signal ON, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated.”

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time — just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday appointments, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

Seriously, there are only two things needed to drive effectively in NJ: A horn and a middle finger (and both may be dangerous to use - see rules 6 & 12). Everything else is superfluous, including knowing where you are going.

For those of you who live in Jersey or have lived there, these things may come as no surprise.

For those who haven’t traveled there before, BEWARE!!! Be Prepared!!!

The Road Well Traveled...

Those that know and love me...and a few that don't - know that I used to drive a LOT for my job.

Therefore - sleepless as I am tonight - I decided to update my list of roads that I've been on in this great country of ours.

So - I set out on a mission 2 years ago: what Interstate highways have I been on, and how much of them have I traveled...?

Only rule: Had to be main Interstate highways - not the spur routes (Sorry, I-287 in NJ, but I need to sleep SOMETIME).

Here's my list:

I-4: Entire Length - Tampa, FL to Daytona Beach, FL

I-8: Casa Grande, AZ (only)

I-10: San Bernadino, CA to Jacksonville, FL

I-12: Entire Length - Baton Rouge, LA to Slidell, LA

I-15: Orem, UT to Springville, UT

I-16: Entire Length - Macon, GA to Savannah, GA

I-17: Phoenix, AZ (only)

I-20: Meridian, MS to Florence, SC

I-22: Carbon Hill, AL to Jasper, AL

I-24: Nashville, TN to Chattanooga, TN

I-26: Kingsport, TN to Charleston, SC

I-35: Austin, TX to San Antonio, TX

I-37: San Antonio, TX (only)

I-40: Wilmington, NC to Knoxville, TN

I-45: Houston, TX (only)

I-59: New Orleans, LA to Slidell, LA AND Meridian, MS to Wildwood, GA

I-64: Charleston, WV to Bluefield, WV AND Richmond, VA to Norfolk, VA

I-65: Mobile, AL to Athens, AL

I-66: Entire Length – Front Royal, VA to Washington, DC

I-68: Entire Length – Morgantown, WV to Hancock, MD

I-69: Flint, MI to Port Huron, MI

I-70: Indianapolis, IN to Baltimore, MD

I-71: Walton, KY to Columbus, OH

I-74: Cana, VA to Winston-Salem, NC

I-75: Hialeah, FL to Flint, MI

I-76: Big Beaver, PA to Camden, NJ

I-77: Entire Length – Cayce, SC to Cleveland, OH

I-78: Entire Length – Union Township, PA to New York, NY

I-79: Morgantown, WV to Erie, PA

I-80: Tinley Park, IL to South Holland, IL & Mercer, PA to Teaneck, NJ

I-81: Wytheville, VA to Syracuse, NY

I-83: Entire Length – Baltimore, MD to Harrisburg, PA

I-84: Entire Length – Dunmore, PA to Sturbridge, MA

I-85: Entire Length – Montgomery, AL to Petersburg, VA

I-87: New York, NY to Albany, NY

I-90: Chicago, IL & Erie, PA to Boston, MA

I-91: New Haven, CT to Brattleboro, VT

I-93: Canton, MA to Concord, NH

I-94: Dearborne, MI to St Clair, MI & Northbrook, IL to Chicago, IL

I-95: Miami, FL to Waterville, ME

I-97: Entire Length – Baltimore, MD to Annapolis, MD

PR-1: Ponce, PR to San Juan, PR

PR-2: San Juan, PR to Ponce, PR

Anyone care to compare...?

Halloween 2009 - Skipping on the "Annual Ritual"

Another classic....



Hey, all...

This year, we decided not to participate in giving out candy.

Why, you might ask?

Well - it's not that I don't like kids. We CONSIDERED it here in the McCrystal household...

But in the end - we thought it'd be more fun to just take the kids out trick-or-treating and not have an adult posted at the door.

But that's NOT the annual ritual I'm talking about... per se...

It all started on Halloween, 2006. Was in the process of cleaning out the back closet (looking for an obscure item for a kids costume), when I came across a plastic tote...crammed FULL of Halloween candy. The girls had a banner year collecting their treats...

EXCEPT that the candy was left over from their collecting it in 2004. It was in a SEALED bin...but one would chip a tooth trying to gnaw on it.

OK - put aside for disposal, right? You'd think... but then again... this is me, folks. Now - it was my full intent to toss it out...had it by the door to chuck out...

Then...the teenagers showed up.

Knock on the door...almost 9pm... damn late for a kid to be asking for a treat... I open the door, and there's a couple thugs at the door.. Not kids...not even early teens... but late-teen, urban, ethnic thug-life punks.

"Yo...gimme some candy..." the closest one to the door mumbled.

Shit - these assholes don't even have costumes on. Where is my shotgun...? I KNOW there's going to be a problem here.

"Excuse me?" I ask...knowing I heard full well what this puswad had asked.

"Yo," he said louder, "Gimme some muthafuckin candy!" - shaking his plastic Wal*Mart bag...

Muthafuc....oh HELL NO....he did NOT just say that. Then... the light came on... and I smiled like a proper, suburban white guy would while modeling for a Pepsodent ad...

"Sure - hold on...it's a little late, so I gotta grab the candy bin...."

Guess what they got...? I tell you - you could've shanked someone with one of the Twizzlers in that lot. Needless to say, I watched the news for 3 days to see if there was an outbreak of ptomaine poisoning here in Orlando...or a kid going to the hospital with broken teeth... you get the idea.

After that - it was a ritual to take the nastiest candy given to the kids and seal it up for a couple years... just in case.

Not this year. So - tomorrow, I have to toss it out...

...or should I just save it for next year...?

Have a great night, and a Blessed Samhain to those practicing the old religion...

Thanksgiving (2009) with my Mother

I had to repost this....



I love my mother.

Really - I do.

She birthed me.
She raised me.
She was there to care for me.
She taught me a lot.
She has always been there for me.

I love my mother.

My dad died almost 10 years ago, so she was alone for a while...but I tried to be there for her too.

So - now that it's Thanksgiving, and I have a family of my own... AND I live only about a hundred miles away from mom - I invited her for Thanksgiving dinner. There's no reason to be alone on Thanksgiving - I cook a LOT of food (all from scratch, I must say) AND she's got plenty of family around (with my tribe of kids)...

But mom's going to be 79 in April (I am SO dead for announcing her real age - she LOOKS 60 and ACTS 40), so I pull up turn-by-turn directions on Google Maps and dictate them to her over the phone. It's a rather easy drive, not too many turns... and since mom doesn't have an internet connection OR a GPS (she thinks her having a microwave makes her high-tech), I give her clear, precise directions. Nice & easy...

I did say that I loved my mother, right?

She got lost. Not just once…but THREE TIMES!
HOW can one get lost, with a copy of turn-by-turn directions IN HAND?

FIRST time – “Go out Route 54 East for 19.6 miles.” How did she go half-way and get turned around, taking 54 WEST?

SECOND time – “Take I-75 South for 14.1 miles to I-4 East.” That seems rather self-explanatory, right? No question on that….? Not my mom…

“75 split on me. I saw it went to Naples or Tampa, so I went towards Tampa.”
“Mom – you’re on I-275…not I-75.”
“Well yeah… but I saw that it went towards Tampa, so I went that way.”
“But you were supposed to take I-75 South. Weren’t the directions clear enough?”
“Well – I saw it split, so I decided to head towards Tampa.”
“You’re not going to Tampa – you’re going to Orlando…and that’s not I-75…”
“Well – what’s the difference?”
”That BIG number ‘2’ in front of the ’75’…”

THIRD time – “Take I-4 East for 53½ miles, bearing right onto State Route 417 North (Portions Toll).” People – how hard is this…?

“I see Route 417…but I stayed to the left. Can’t I get over later?”

(I hit my head against the table in utter disbelief at this point)

“No, Mom…there’s a BIG SHINY guard rail between you and the 417… just stay on the phone, and I’ll guide you in.”

She got here 20 minutes later… clutching the copy of the turn-by-turn directions in her hand.

“I’m HERE!”


Had to smile…gotta love my mom…right?


But no - that’s only the START of today’s entertainment.

Mom’s a diabetic. She’s in good health, but she’s on a regular eating & snacking schedule to keep her sugar in balance without insulin. I prepared for this, and had snacks readily available for her to “graze” upon while I cooked.

“No – I’ll be fine…I want to wait for dinner.”

I left the room, and walk back in 3 minutes later to find Mom passed out on my dining room table. I call out her name, but no answer.

Christ on a fucking crutch – I think my mother just died on the dining room table. This is so not cool…and I’m going to be serving dinner! I can’t use her corpse as a centerpiece!

Terrified, I check her pulse, and to great relief, I found one. SO - I shake her like a rag doll til she rouses… Mom’s disoriented and unable to “focus”. I proceed to pour orange juice into her til she comes fully around…and then bitch her out for not taking care of herself…

…because – I love my mother…

(I think I said that before…?)


OK…Mom survived the wait – and dinner is served.


The turkey is PERFECT - moist & tender.
The stuffing is delicious – just enough sage.
Mashed potatoes – a buttery, smooth, perfect mix of Yukon gold & Red skin’s.
String beans with diced country ham - glorious! (Thank you for the idea, Kathryn!)
The gravy is right on the money (Personal opinion – the gravy can make or break a meal).

“Whatcha want, Mom?”
“Ohhh God….I love that black meat!”

(ALL CONVERSATION STOPPED AT THIS POINT)

“Ummm…WHAT?!?’
“Mmm mmm mmm… how I just LOVE the black meat!”

(oh my fucking god… I am seeing my mom in a WHOLE new light…)

Umm… I love my Mom… and everyone is looking at Mom with their eyes like saucers, their mouths agape, and a collective “Say something before I piss myself laughing, Jim” look on their faces. What am I going to do? What am I going to say? Is my mother having a moment of confession? After all these years alone, is she telling me that my dad just didn’t “measure up”?

“Mom…you mean you want dark meat?”
“Of course – what did you think I meant?”

(holy shit…if you had a clue, mom…)

“Ummm… Mom? You know that sounded REAL bad…?”
“Huh? Oh, poo! Nobody thought THAT!”

Oh yes they did… at this point, everyone had their eyes clamped shut, teeth grinding audibly as tears slipped out tightly clenched eyelids – all laughter barely contained…

Yes… I love my mother…

BTW: Can anyone recommend a good therapist for me?

DHMO - the silent killer

From: http://www.dhmo.org

The dangers, uses and potential threats posed by the chemical, Dihydrogen Monoxide, are widespread, and some feel, terrifying. Here is just a small taste of what Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) is:

* Some call Dihydrogen Monoxide the "Invisible Killer".
* Others think dihydrogen monoxide should be Banned.
* Dihydrogen Monoxide is linked to gun violence.
* Dihydrogen monoxide was found at every recent school shooting.
* Athletes use DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE, or DHMO, to enhance performance.
* Dihydrogen Monoxide has been found in our rivers, lakes, oceans and streams.
* Dihydrogen Monoxide is a major component of acid rain.
* Thousands die each year after inhaling dihydrogen monoxide.
* Dihydrogen Monoxide can be deadly.


Environmental Impact of Dihydrogen Monoxide

Due in part to its widespread use in industry, Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) is involved in many environmental incidents each year. While most are unavoidable given current technology, there can be little doubt that the presence of DHMO in each significantly increases the negative impact to the environment.

Among the many commonly-sited DHMO-related environmental impacts are:

* DHMO contributes to global warming and the "Greenhouse Effect", and is one of the so-called "greenhouse gasses."

* DHMO is an "enabling component" of acid rain -- in the absence of sufficient quantities of DHMO, acid rain is not a problem.

* DHMO is a causative agent in most instances of soil erosion -- sufficiently high levels of DHMO exacerbate the negative effects of soil erosion.

* DHMO is present in high levels nearly every creek, stream, pond, river, lake and reservoir in the U.S. and around the world.

* Measurable levels of DHMO have been verified in ice samples taken from both the Arctic and Antarctic ice caps.

* Recent massive DHMO exposures have lead to the loss of life and destruction of property in California, the Mid-West, the Philippines, and a number of islands in the Caribbean, to name just a few.

* Research has shown that significant levels of DHMO were found in the devastating Indian Ocean tsunami in 2004 which killed 230,000 in Indonesia, Thailand, Malaysia and elsewhere, making it the deadliest tsunami in recorded history.

* It is widely believed that the levee failures, flooding and the widespread destruction resulting from Hurricane Katrina along the U.S. Gulf Coast in 2005 were caused or exacerbated by excessive DHMO levels found in the Gulf of Mexico, along with other contributing factors.

Industrial DHMO Dumping

In spite of the recent movement to ban unlawful dumping of hazardous chemicals into waterways in the U.S. and abroad, release of massive quantities of DHMO continues. Industry cannot be held accountable entirely because lawmakers are reluctant to pass legislation to make most forms of dumping of DHMO illegal. Reasons for this could include pressures from corporate leaders, industry lobbyists, and even vested foreign governments. This governmental inaction leading to nearly unregulated dumping may be one of the most overlooked environmental impacts of DHMO.

Meanwhile, federal (EPA) regulations are in place to make illegal the disposal of DHMO in landfills, including those licensed for hazardous waste. Regulations also stipulate that any DHMO appearing in a landfill must be removed. Judging from these laws it appears that the U.S. government recognizes the inherent danger DHMO poses to the environment, at least in certain circumstances.

The U.S. government refuses to ban the production, distribution, and use of DHMO. This inaction may be due to pressures from private interests and corporate-sponsored economists, among many, who predict a DHMO ban could produce disastrous results. Claims include damage to public health and the well-being of the U.S. and world economies.

Fortunately, some industry and governmental leaders are taking the initiative to inform and educate their employees in spite of what the U.S. government's official policy may be. Major employers, such as Sandia National Laboratories, a national security laboratory operated by the Sandia Corporation, a Lockheed Martin Co., for the U.S. Department of Energy, have begun notifying their workers of the DHMO issue. With efforts such as those at Sandia, the proliferation of DHMO may one day be minimized.

Equally encouraging is the support of environmental organizations, such as the Green Party of Aotearoa New Zealand, an important force in the southern hemisphere promoting "ecological wisdom, social responsibility, appropriate decision-making and non-violence." Notably, a busy high-ranking Member of Parliament there supports a ban on DHMO. This welcome endorsement serves as a reminder to a pre-occupied world that fostering a widespread knowledge of DHMO is crucial.

Find out the truth about Dihydrogen Monoxide. Visit DHMO.org to find out more...

IKEA, the Video Game

Ever been to IKEA?
For those uninitiated, IKEA is not JUST a furniture store, but a delightful, maddening experience.

WELL - imagine it being a video game...? It'd probably go something like this:



==============================================

IKEA WALKTHROUGH v2.3.1
==============================================

IKEA is a fully immersive, 3D environmental adventure that allows you to role-play the character of someone who gives a shit about home furnishings. In traversing IKEA, you will experience a meticulously detailed alternate reality filled with garish colors, clear-lacquered birch veneer, and a host of NON-PLAYER CHARACTERS (NPCs) with the glazed looks of the recently anesthetized.

==============================================
OBJECTIVE
==============================================

Your goal is to successfully traverse the five awesome worlds of IKEA before your patience runs out. On your first few tries this may seem like an impossible task, but with practice (and this IKEA Walkthrough!) you will soon be able to muster the sense of numb resignation necessary for victory.

==============================================
WORLD ONE: PARKING LOT
==============================================

Your adventure begins! Drive your vehicle into the IKEA underground PARKING LOT. Your task is to find the fabled PARKING SPOT hidden deep within this toxic cavern. Your search will not be easy, as the PARKING SPOT may not appear until you first qualify by completing several dozen laps. As in all worlds, time is of the essence: If you are unable to find the PARKING SPOT in 180 minutes or less, you may become irritated and leave.

Although your vehicle comes equipped with a braking mechanism (the "B" pedal), the secret to success in this world is to never decelerate. If there are cars in front of you, bump them out of the way until you are able to pass. Although you may think it makes sense to slow down while navigating sharp turns, it is almost always quicker to keep your accelerator (the "A" pedal) depressed to the fullest, crash your vehicle into a wall or parked car as you round the corner, and resume acceleration from a standstill.

To find the PARKING SPOT you will need to venture down the many lanes throughout the PARKING LOT. WARNING: Always look before entering a lane, as many will contain idiots who have elected to simply stop their Ford Excursions in the middle of the passageway and wait for someone to leave. If you inadvertently find yourself trapped behind one of these morons and have selected a vehicle with side-mounted rocket-launchers, use them now.

REMEMBER: Every person you run down in this world is one less you'll have to deal with in future levels, so never miss an opportunity for carnage!

================================================
WORLD TWO: SHOWROOMS
================================================

You start this world armed only with a U.N.IVERSAL FURNITURE-ASSEMBLY ALLEN WRENCH. This is the weakest weapon in IKEA: You will have to hit a person 16 times with it to kill them. So your primary goal in this level is to find more lethal means of dispatching your enemies.

As you enter the SHOWROOM, perform a rolling dodge to the left. Grab a free PAPER TAPE MEASURE and a handful of IKEA EMBLAZONED GOLF PENCILS from the kiosk near the entryway. The PENCILS serve quite well as ranged weapons, but it will take some time to master their use. Before venturing further in the world, stand at the kiosk and practice hurling GOLF PENCILS at patrons as they enter the SHOWROOM. Remember: Hitting the eyes does triple damage.

Now make your way into the main SHOWROOM, using the PAPER TAPE MEASURE to throttle anyone who blocks your path.

As you enter the main area, you will see an EKHARD oiled solid-oak dining sideboard. Quickly kick it apart to acquire the TABLE LEG WITH NAIL.

As you continue through the main SHOWROOM you will see groups blocking the walkways while chatting and others moving against traffic. These people should be killed immediately.

When you enter the office furniture section, search the back wall and acquire the NOMINELL swivel chair with lockable tilt tension and gas-lift seat-height adjustment. Using this to propel yourself through the remainder of the level will greatly improve your time. Be sure to break open all cabinets and dressers as you travel, looking for power-ups.

In the kitchen area, grab some SCENTED CANDLES. While non-lethal, you can light them and stun those around you with Ye Olde Timey Stench before dispatching them with the KAVALKAD aluminum non-stick saucepan.

You're almost there! Work your way toward the northern wall. In an alcove near the exit you will find a rack containing copies of the IKEA SPRING 2004 CATALOG. Weighing in at 17 pounds, this is the most powerful weapon you'll find! Use the CATALOG to bludgeon the remaining people between you and the exit and proceed on to the next world.

NOTE: At any time you can visit the IKEA CAFE and acquire a $1 LATTE power-up. Avoid the $0.75 HOT DOG, though: It will give you a temporary energy boost but then impede your reaction time for the remainder of the adventure.

=================================================
WORLD THREE: MARKETPLACE
=================================================

Your goal in this world is to locate the five components of the DREAM BEDROOM ENSEMBLE (DBE): MALM white-lacquered queen bed frame, KILAN RAND full/queen 100% cotton quilt cover set, CORRAS bedside table (with casters and one adjustable shelf), HOPEN three-drawer chest, and PAX/BREVIK wardrobe with white-foil finish.

This world is filled with NON-PLAYER CHARACTERS (NPCs), and many will give you important clues if you interact with them. To "talk" with an NPC, stand in front of one as it tries to browse and wait for it to address you directly. If it tries to move around you, simply reposition yourself between it and its desired merchandise. If it refuses to acknowledge you, try cuffing it sharply on the side of the head and saying, "Hey! Hey buddy!"

Once dialogue has been initiated, listen closely for hints to the location of your DBE components. If the NPC stops talking, you may need to prompt it by asking about its favorite topics. Here are some subjects that the NPCs in IKEA will be happy to talk about:

* The final episode of Friends
* What's up with all this rain
* The Oprah Book Club, back before she started picking hard-to-read Gabriel García Márquez crap
* The South Beach Diet
* That one Everybody Loves Raymond episode where Frank fakes an injury so he won't have to go on a cruise with Marie
* The Gap

Scattered throughout this level are IKEA computer terminals. If you can hack into one you may be able to locate your DBS components, but an IKEA STAFF MEMBER may enter the scene and ask what you are doing. If you speak like the Swedish Chef you may be able to fool the employee into thinking you are the IKEA regional manager. If he still seems skeptical, pants him and flee into the IKEA KIDS section.

Whenever you find one of the DBE components, take the purchase tag associated with it; when you have collected all five, the next world will unlock.

==================================================
WORLD FOUR: SELF-SERVE WAREHOUSE
==================================================

Now you must find your actual DBE items in the SELF-SERVE WAREHOUSE. This labyrinth can be very frustrating and will require your full attention to navigate. Do not rely on the warehouse shelf locations printed on the purchase tags of your items -- due to some translation bugs introduced while porting IKEA from Swedish to English, they are almost never correct.

Upon entering the warehouse, you need to go:

N, N, E, N, S, SW, U, N, W, U, W, W, W, U, NW, N, NW, S, E, W, W, W, N, W.

Now you are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. A skeleton, probably the remains of a luckless consumer, lies here. Beside the skeleton is a rusty SKARPT high-quality steel knife with hard plastic handle and a shopping cart. Search the body. Take the IKEA GIFT CARD (still has $43 on it). Take and eat the SWEDISH FISH for sustenance. Now go:

S, E, D, D, E, SW, W, SW, D, W, U, S.

Here you will find the shelves containing your DBE components. In this mini-puzzle, you must fit all of your merchandise onto the cart so nothing falls off as you proceed to CHECKOUT. It's like Tetris, minus the catchy Russian music and the fun. DON'T SPEND MORE THAN THREE OR FOUR HOURS WORKING ON THIS!

Continue to checkout:

E, U, U, E, U, N, NE, N, SW, S, W, N, E, U, U, N.

You've made it!

NOTE: One wrong turn in the WAREHOUSE could cause you to lose precious hours trying to find your way out. So take items off the shelves as you travel, place them on the floor, and make a map as you go. That way, if you make a wrong turn, you will be able to backtrack. For example:

| |
+---+ +---+
| A | - | B |
+---+ +---+
|
+---+ +---+ +---+
| C | - | D | - | E | -
+---+ +---+ +---+
|

A. KOMPLEMENT 13-trouser pant hanger
B. HUSAR glass-door cabinet
C. SKYMTA mouth-blown drinking glass
D. TOMELILL.A. sofa with removable and washable DELSBO sand slipcover
E. MELODI white plastic pendant lamp

=================================================
WORLD FIVE: CHECKOUT
=================================================

This is it. The matchup between you and the final boss: IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad. But unlike traditional adventures, this ultimate showdown is not one of violence (much as, at this point, you'd like it to be), but rather a battle of will and endurance. If your PATIENCE is already running low, you are unlikely to finish this world. But this is what you'll need to do to survive.

First push your cart into the CHECKOUT line. Now stand there and wait. Continue to wait. If the person in front of you moves forward, you should move forward as well. And then wait. The key to CHECKOUT -- and I cannot emphasize this enough -- is to wait.

IKEA veterans know the secret to defeating this level: While waiting in line it's crucial that you NOT CONTEMPLATE YOUR MERCHANDISE! Do not ask yourself if you really need seven tiny wicker baskets. Do not wonder what's wrong with the perfectly good entertainment center you have at home. Do not try to reconcile your recent participation in anti-globalization protest parades with the fact that you are now on the verge of buying an armchair that somehow costs 23 bucks. EVERY MINUTE YOU SPEND THINKING ABOUT YOUR IMPENDING PURCHASES WILL HALVE YOUR REMAINING PATIENCE!!

If you can keep your mind blank -- or if you can distract yourself by thumbing through the IKEA CATALOG and planning a strategy for your next run -- you will be able to complete CHECKOUT and, thus, your adventure.

================================================
FINALE
================================================

Congratulations -- you've beaten IKEA! Now sit back and enjoy the end sequence: a splitting headache and a screaming match with your spouse over lunch at APPLEBEE'S. You've earned it!

Our Saga begins...

I've told a lot of interesting things that happen to me... decided to open a blog.

Great things to come...as well as a few old posts to keep you inspired.