Fun at Wal*Mart...

So - I found out that the local Wal*Mart now sells semi-automatic M-4 carbines.


No - it really does... the price is pretty incredible, too.



So- I check it out - run it thru its paces...

...good shoulder feel...
...stock closes nicely...
...cycles smoothly...
...turned it and aimed right at the security camera (probably making the guy monitoring me shit his drawers)...




God, I love living in Georgia...

Culinary tip for my Kids...

Blair's "Jersey Death Hot Sauce" is NOT ketchup...

...Bree is PAINFULLY paying for that mistake right now...

Sex and the single 10 Year Old...

...so Erin just yelled across the house, "NO BOOTY FOR KAYLEIGH!"

...uhhh...

...

...

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

(sometimes, I just don't wanna know...)

I see a long trip to the bathroom

I had a bunch of bread & bread "ends" that was going to go to waste, so I decided to make a mess of stuffing...

...and of course, Erin wants to help.

Sure - she's shredding bread, and helping out by dumping in the chopped celery into the bowl...

...but then she goes into the fridge.


"DAAAAADDDDDD... something's wrong with the butter...."


...butter? I'm out of butter. I have margarine, but that's up on the top shelf...


"What's wrong with it, honey?"

"It tastes weird!"


...tastes...? I am getting a bit scared here...


"What tastes weird?"

"The butter! The top's off, and it tastes weird!"


...ok - time to investigate...



I turn the corner, and see Erin...
...with half a spoonful...



...of bacon fat.


She ate the other half-spoonful.



...oh god...

My Daughter's Wedding?!?

So - Casey & I were talking during my evening commute - her boyfriend decided to ask her to go to church with him.

Now - Casey grew up with her mom, so that was never an option on the table (her mother being Wiccan and all)... making her comment that she was afraid the roof would cave in on her.

Being the supportive chap I am, I sweetly say, "As long as you two don't decide to walk down the aisle..."

Of course, she decides to pull an Erin and drop something on me out of left field...

"Well, what if we did?"

Fuck... I almost rear-end a cement truck at that...

Well - so we started discussing her future nuptuials... and who'd be there.

Yes, I get to give her away....but it's the REST of the party that stunned me.

See - many of my friends have taken a liking to my oldest...she's like that "Furby" you always wanted back in 1993 but your mother wouldn't get because it would talk too much and generally annoy the living crap outta you...

...yup - that's Casey.

So - we went over the invite and party list...and this is what she told me she wanted.

Matron of Honor: Kathryn Buchanan. I've known Kathryn for 25 years - she is my best friend, and absolutely adores Casey. OK...good choice.

Bride's Party: Jess, Maria, Mel, and Shannon. Half will be in bright pink, and the other in studded leather (and let's not stop at the tattoos and piercings...no metal detectors, please!).

Groom's Party: Up to Andrew (or as I call him, Jethro) - but I see Casey's brother Doug being in it.

Flower Girls - Yeah - gotta get her sisters up there...but putting Kayleigh in pink would need an act of congress.

Ring Bearer: Bubba - as long as he doesn't decide to eat it.

Playing the "Wedding March": Jim Brady - on electric guitar... (bonus - Casey's Mother can't stand him)

Chief Usher: Robbie Nelson (my brother-by-another-mother) - clad in jacket & tie, board shorts and slaps.

Door Security: SSgt J Gary Dunlop & GySgt Pete Triolo

And of course - the guests...

(This sounds either like a "Who's Who of my life, or a meeting of the Irish Mob, but Casey chose all this)

Susan "Gidget" Apisdorf
Cathy Whiddon
Maggy McCarthy
Tara O'Sullivan (although she's up for a spot on the Bride's Party)
Alfredo Rivas (mourning his loss)
Mike Daleiden (Making commentary of, "I knew her when...")
A bunch of her minions from New Jersey
Andrew's Family (duh)

...oh yeah - her mother & her boyfriend Bill are invited too, but they'll be seated in the back of the church, next to the "crying room" and the holy water...

**IT BURNS....IT BURNS...**


Somehow - I see this happening...

Some reasons why the English language is hard to learn...

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Note to Self...

DO NOT drink 3 double-sized "Red Bulls" for breakfast, and shotgun 2 "Monsters" on the drive home...

...it WILL make you want to sing karaoke like drunken samurai...